Dealing with Regret: Discovering Growth and Self Compassion

An earlier version of this article appeared on this website in October 2024.

When you’re a physician, it can sometimes feel as if the weight of the world is on your shoulders. Despite years of training and experience, you can’t always predict a complication or an outcome. And you can never be certain how an individual or family is going to react, even when you believe you are offering good news. Dealing with the unpredictable is part of the job.

Although you may thrive on the challenge of difficult decisions and complex interactions, the shadow of lost opportunities or unanticipated consequences can sometimes lead to feelings of regret. These painful reminders may haunt you when you least expect them.

This is all completely normal, but coming to terms with regret can be difficult. What can make it especially distressing is the fact that this aspect of professional life is rarely discussed out in the open.

In this article, we’ll talk about regret, what it can teach you, and how it might help you to become an even more effective physician.

Regret is normal, and it’s a sign of compassion

Although it can feel crushing in the moment, regret is not a weakness or a marker of failure. Instead, it can be helpful to reframe regret as evidence that you are compassionate and invested in the outcome of your decisions. Whether that’s the well-being of your patients, the strength of your relationships, or the integrity of your work, you wouldn't feel regret if your work didn’t matter.

Learning from regret

When you recognize regret in this way, you can break the cycle of rumination and open yourself up to the multitude of lessons it holds, including opportunities for reflection and discovery.

Perhaps the lesson is learning to slow down, to listen more closely to your patient or their family, to take an extra breath before responding to a difficult conversation. Maybe it’s resolving to take a more active role, or advocating more effectively when faced with challenging situations. Or it could be a recommitment to ongoing learning and professional development.

It’s important to acknowledge that although the past cannot be changed, it can inform the future. If you can reframe a complication or a poor interaction as a catalyst for growth, it can help you to build strengths that will offer a way forward.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that might help to create mental space for new ideas:

• Are there ways that you can mitigate the consequences, even now?

• What would have needed to happen for things to have turned out differently?

• What actions are within your control?

• What resources might you need that were not available to you then?

• How might you respond next time you’re faced with this situation?

The importance of self-compassion

As a physician, perfectionism is probably one of your driving forces. But at the same time, you may hold yourself to impossibly high standards.  

Although you may never have been taught this in training, at some point in your career, you will very likely make a decision that, in hindsight, turns out to be wrong. Other times, some outcomes or reactions will simply be beyond your control.

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a colleague or friend. And at the same time, caring for yourself helps you to stay present and capable of providing the best care for your patients.

Of course, regret can sometimes feel overwhelming, despite your best efforts to overcome it. When this happens, professional help in the form of a counselor or a coach can be sustaining.

Turning regret into action

It’s important not only to acknowledge regret, but to turn your reflections into action. Use your hard-earned awareness to make adjustments, both big and small, that will help you navigate future challenges with more confidence and clarity. Depending on the source of your regret, it might mean

• Taking a course

• Learning or perfecting a skill

• Seeking feedback or support from a trusted colleague, coach, or mentor

• Implementing measurable changes in a process or procedure

• Practicing mindful communication

• Setting clearer boundaries

• Reaching out to a mental health professional

Moving forward from regret is about progress, not perfection. It's about using each experience to inform your next steps without getting stuck in the past.

Discovering resilience and growth

Learning from regret will strengthen your resilience and shape your compassion for colleagues who may find themselves mired in similar situations. By being intentional rather than dwelling on self-blame, you will build a toolbox of strategies that will support you through the inevitable challenges that arise in the future.

Regret is a seldom-acknowledged part of the life of a physician. With time and practice, it can become a guide, pointing you towards opportunities for personal growth and a deeper connection with the values that first led you to find your place in the medical profession.

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